July 9 Day 74 A Big Decision in Darby

So I wanted to address my partnership with Guy on a Buffalo here. As I've mentioned, I have not done a thru-hike before, and have really never hiked much distance alone. My other trips were in groups. And so, my personal hiking preferences were unknown to me. With Guy, we hiked together, as in right in front of or behind each other, we waited for each other during bathroom breaks, we ate at the same times, had designated in-camp duties (mine was mostly cooking dinner), and coordinated many of our things. He is young, only 21, and he is a natural care-taker, always wanting to make sure I was well taken care of and didn't die. While this seemed like a good idea it became crippling. I was not learning how to set up my much anticipated tarp because he always set up the tarps, I was getting lazy about navigation, overly cautious about pushing myself, feeling a bit tied down really. And, as you can imagine, if you spend that much time with someone and don't even hike alone during the day, then you have NO private time to spend in your own head or on your own schedule.

(Me on top of a mountain! Thanks Kramer's for patiently waiting to take this!)

All of this was made clear after we went separate ways. I did hike a fair amount with Grim in this group, but it was in the way people usually hike together who are not married or a couple, sometimes one is ahead or behind, usually by no more than a half mile. Nobody waited for anyone when someone had to go to the bathroom. No one set up anyone else's tarp. No one worried if someone didn't show up at the planned camp spot at the end of the day. Everyone expected you to know and respect your own limits. If you needed help, everyone expected you to ask. It felt really good. It may sound a bit harsh perhaps, but it was so liberating, and it taught me more about how well I can take care of myself than if I had not separated from Guy. It also really allowed me to excel by pushing myself and going further with less. I didn't want to go back.

(Mehap eating his beard)

Another factor was the social comfort for me. Being with this group allowed for a different kind of conversation to blossom. I am 27. Most of the others were 27-35. Guy is 21. I had realized that certain conversations could not be had in depth simply due to age and experience differences between Guy and me. It had been so nice to be surrounded by people I related to in a deeper way. I felt, and feared, that if I remained hiking partners with Guy, it would re-isolate me from these kinds of conversations and connections. Something completely in my power of course, but an anxiety I felt.

And so I had made my decision. I was both excited for Guy to catch up and dreading it. I didn't know how he felt about the whole thing, but saying "I don't want to be your hiking partner anymore," no matter how nicely you put it, can still suck to hear. The dynamic would be completely different, I knew, and it would not be a comfortable transition for him.

(Apache)

On the morning of the 9th, at the trail head we had all camped at, and while we were still packing up our shelter, we hear Guy yell out to us in greeting, shortly followed by him strutting toward us with the biggest, goofy-from-exhaustion, smile on his face. He had apparently camped not 50 feet away from us by the pit toilets at the trail head! He had done something like 40 miles overnight trying to catch us. and giving up when he reached the trail head. He had no idea how close he was! We all celebrated and laughed and walked the last bit together into Darby where we split up. Kramers, Beads, and Papi went to a hot spring and town nearby where they stayed the night. Grim, Mehap, Apache, Whistle, and I rented an amazing multi-bedroom cabin with a kitchen and proceeded to cook and get to know Whistle.

(Grim, me, Whistle)

Whistle is Grim's friend from the Appalachian Trail, and she is awesome. Immediate liking to this woman. One of those strong independent quirky types. I felt like I was with a Warrenite. We actually knew a fair amount of similar Camp songs because she too had worked at a summer camp.

(Grim)

We had reached the halfway point (about) for trail and that meant it was time for the Half Gallon Challenge! Yup, you gotta eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting. Mehap was the ONLY ONE who succeeded. And really the only one who attempted! Well done Meeps!

July 5- July 8 Day 70-73 Becoming a Stronger Hiker

We refused an offer to take a historical tour of Anaconda in order to get on trail. We felt ready now, to make miles, and rock the CDT. At least I felt that way. Between my little epiphany on the mountaintop and the admittance of our feelings about hiking, I was ready again. I was resetting my hike, and making more of what I wanted it to be. I was going to be the creator of my own experience. This being my first thru-hike, I didn't now what to expect and I certainly didn't know how I hiked. What style was MY style? What had I been doing because I had been hiking with Guy for so long vs what I would have done without that influence? What would I need to make this authentic to me? I wanted to push. I wanted to make my body a better version of what it was. I wanted that challenge that I love in the weight room at the gym. I wanted to PUSH!

And so that first day out of Anaconda, I kept up with Apache and Grim, the 2 fastest in the group, for the first time. For 18 miles after noon. I was proud. Now could I sustain this? I was in much better shape and my feet were well conditioned compared to the very start of trail when I was trying to keep up with the guys I was hiking with. I was so soft and not ready physically for the challenge of doing 20-30 mile days back to back. But I felt great now! I wanted this challenge now, by choice.

The day was threatening to storm, but we somehow missed all the thunderclouds.

On the 6th we did 24 miles with 3-4 mountain passes. It was quite a day. I felt powerful and appreciative, something I hadn't felt in a while, and it was great! The views were no longer repetitions of other great views, now they were beautiful again. The world had regained its glow. We had reconnected with the CDT by now after the Anaconda Cutoff. It's always a relief when you get back on the trail officially. Something about it is comforting.

At the top of a pass we found Warren Lake, our destination for the day. A very buggy place, but a beautiful lake that was a great temperature. Apache, Grim, Mehap, and I got there and set up a nice camp fire and found sweet tent spots. As a respite from the bugs Grim and I took a dip and cleaned off the days sweat. Beads, Kramers, and Papi arrived a bit later, having eaten dinner on trail. I am not personally a fan of eating dinner before getting into camp, but some people prefer it that way. It does give you a nice boost of energy for the last stretch. I'd rather get to camp earlier and enjoy a leisurely dinner completely relaxed, and I know I can happily eat my dinner in the dark in my tent or in the rain in my tent, but making the effort to cook and eat before dark and then potentially hiking in the dark and setting up my tent in the dark and/or rain...it's just not my style.

The bugs though! Man were the mosquitoes out in full force!

On the 7th we did 26 miles of upupup DOWN upupup DOWN hail and rain upupup DOWN drizzle drizzle up down repeat over and over again. Today I PUSHED. I was tired. My muscles were very ready for rest. I was trying to really press on the uphills to improve my aerobic mountain climbing skills. I've noticed that my old exercise induced asthma, which I haven't had encounters with in maybe a decade, reared its head in the cold dry air of mountain ascents. I could rock the downhills and straight aways, but those uphills put me in a state of slowness and gasping I wasn't pleased with. And so the pushing. The training. The getting better.

(Apache fishing)

When we arrived to the water source, there was no water. Great. Peachy. I was a tad too tired to care. Mehap and Apache were behind us somewhere as they had decided to go fishing in a lake we had had lunch at. They got ultra light fishing rods in Anaconda, and Beads, Kramers, and Papi were maybe behind them? Anyway, Grim and I were in a burn area with no water, and no water for at least 10 more miles or something. Grim was awesome and took a stroll down into the valley where this spring should have been and, thank goodness, eventually found it further down and away from the trail. We filled up and I didn't even care to cook. I just ate a cold dinner, tuna salad with avocado and tortilla. When I was alone, guarding the packs from animals, Elk or deer or something stormed through the area twice, scaring me so badly! Good thing it was just hooved animals....that weren't moose.

Eventually some of the others showed up and others did not. We slept in the burn, surrounded by bare trees and charred ground.

On the 8th we had pretty flat ground but a fair amount of blow-downs, trees strewn hither and thither on the trail, making it more treacherous for us short people. We did a very quick 24 miles today getting to the trail head we were aiming for to put put us 5 miles or so out from Darby, our next town stop tomorrow. It was pretty chill, made a fire, hung out, had some fun flying paper airplanes that we made out of our used Ley maps over the fire. I was surprised a bit that Guy had not caught up to us by this point. I wondered how far away he was and if I was willing to wait in Darby for him if everyone else headed out before he got there. I'd grown attached to this group and I was enjoying the freedom of not having a hiking partner. I'll explain more about that in the next post. This one has gotten long enough!

July 4 Day 69 Independence Day in Anaconda

I have to go back a bit, to getting into Anaconda, yesterday, which we did, via a terrible and long, hot, paved highway walk. ERG! I was trying to make phone calls to make the time pass, and NOBODY answered their phones!  What were you all doing at that time!? Painful really. We finally got to town and headed straight for the gas station/casino. I fed myself the most delicious gas station hot dog EVER! Papi took advantage of the casinos "free beer if you gamble" policy. We really just wanted cold things and a/c. Once we were recovered enough, we headed into town and caught up to the others at the hotel as well as Apache and Mehap who had been taking some time off with Mehap's family. Showers, and all that jazz. Dinner at my favorite trail restaurant so far, The Baron! Oh my goodness it was amazing!

(Mehap and Grim being themselves)

And so, on the 4th, everyone was excited about the parade. I'm not much for parades, or big crowds, so I decided to stay in and take care of some things.  For example, my NeoAir Thermarest had found itself with a leak the last week or so. I would wake up at night with parts of my body on the ground as opposed to NOT on the ground. I was lazy about it for a while, continuously blowing it up again throughout the night, but I'd finally had enough of my laziness. Fixed that problem, hooray!

(Papi in the back, Grim, Apache)

By 11am, I had gotten a message saying that everyone had misunderstood, and the parade was later in the day, but they were all at a bar and locals kept buying everyone drinks. So, having done a fair amount of journal catch-up and personal hygiene maintenance, I decided to venture out and join them. We had an awesome time, and it turned out the parade was passing right in front of the bar everyone was at, so we sat somewhere out of the way and watched the people of Anaconda celebrate.

 And then we all decided it was nap time.

(From left to right: Kramer's, Papi sitting up, Mehap in the blue, Apache, Beads underneath me)

The evening celebration was definitely the highlight. I have spent MANY a 4th of July at Warren, watching the little fireworks on the Athletic field, singing songs, wishing we could have those giant fireworks. Otherwise I've been abroad or way too close to the fireworks to really enjoy them. 

This, though, was really majestic. The managers of the hotel we were staying at invited us up in the back of their pick-up truck to watch from the best viewing spot in town, the cemetery. We all sat together and quietly enjoyed each other's company, the company of our amazing hosts, and the company of the giant fireworks in the distance, lighting up the mountainside.

Back in the hotel room, in the evening, after such a great few days together, we talked about hiker fatigue. The topic that none of us had wanted to broach, as it felt taboo to talk about how you didn't want to be out here in this beautiful place doing something people dream about, was finally out in the open. What a relief it was to talk about. It turned out just about everyone in our little group felt the same way. We were all exhausted. Whether it was just the heat, Montana, the flip, or something else, we didn't know. We all just knew that everyone was going through it. The CDT 2015 Facebook page was riddled with people dropping out or talking about leaving for no other reason than fatigue. It was like a mental virus or something.

Knowing that we were all feeling the same way helped us all to get back on trail the next day and keep walking.

July 2-3 Day 67-68 Papi and Nom

Grim made efforts to catch Kramers and Beads and left Papi and me behind. We would all be seeing each other in Anaconda for the 4th of July so it was not goodbye. I had connected very well with Papi very quickly. Bearclaw, back in Ghost Ranch, New Mexico, had mentioned Papi and how awesome and insightful he is, so he was already someone that I had wanted to get to know better. This ended up being one of the most enjoyable few days on trail. At this point my body is in trail shape, I have my trail legs (when your legs are so strong they feel like they can go forever), and I had just been reborn or something emotionally. Papi was the right person to be with.

He has a great story. Having worked in a very high powered desk-job in Seattle for a while, I think 10 years, and having lived a life of luxury and materialism, he got fired. He was out of the rat race by force, and it was the best thing that could have happened to him. In his 50's and not in any kind of debt or financial strain he decided to figure out who he was and who he wanted to be. One of the conversations I appreciated most was when he talked about focusing on the 7 deadly sins and removing them from his life one by one. Working on becoming his most authentic self, unabashedly pursuing true happiness on a deep, non-ego-driven, level, he found himself hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. And on the PCT, he found himself. Or at least a part of himself that he loved. And so, without initially intending to, he finished the whole thing.

(One more way to get over a barbed wire fence)

This summer, he is here, with me, right now, on the CDT. The things I can learn from him, and him from me! So many stories to share, books to talk about, and ideals to discuss! We just clicked and enjoyed a leisurely pace for those couple of days. I have had the privilege of realizing early on that I do not want the kind of life most Americans strive for, and so I do not have too may old habits that I need to break regarding that lifestyle.

This section of Montana was quite smooth, though the bugs were definitely out in force. We drank hot tea int he mornings and hiked a chill pace during the day, occasionally looking for strawberries, which were coming into season. Because we were taking the Anaconda cutoff, there wasn't any information about water sources on our GPS App, Guthook. This was generally not a big deal, but, on the final stretch into Anaconda, we found ourselves dry. It was still hot, this heatwave was not relenting, and we were now at lower elevations so the heat was even hotter than what we had been working with.

(Drying tarps out from condensation in the morning)

We ended up on a dirt road realizing that we might not have water until we got to Anaconda, in 30 miles. We could get off trail, and get water from the Animas river, which was 10-15 miles away, or we could try to stop a car if any passed by. I was really thirsty. My mouth was gummy. My body was covered in so much salt from sweating that you could actually feel the salt crystals all over my skin. We knew there might be a stream that hopefully wasn't dried up, near the road and we kept trying to listen for the sound of running water down below.

(The bugs!)

And then Papi heard it! Running water! One of the best sounds EVER! We made our way down the steep slope to the stream in the reeds and immediately filtered and drank the cold water. Such a good feeling. I half bathed, splashing water on my arms, legs, and head, and Papi took a proper bath as I waited by the side of the road above. We were going to carry extra water this time. No more going thirsty. Of course we ended up having flowing water nearby for the rest of the day.

July 1 Days 66 Finding my Fire

This began the time of exceptionally social hiking. While before it had just been Guy on a Buffalo and I with a short bout with others, now it was Grim, Kramers, Beads, Papi Chulo, and me in a more substantial way. Well, as substantial as hiking together on a thru-hike goes. The dynamics around me were changing and it felt weird. It was pleasant to have new people and more conversations that lit me up, but it was unpleasant in realizing that normal human social dynamics still applied.

(Grim, Kramer's, Beads, Papi Chulo)

In an environment dominated by men, it is tricky when you, as a woman, encounter another woman on trail. In theory, or ideally, it would be fireworks and giggles, but it can also go into the catty, negative place. Women are socially trained to be passive aggressive. You can read great books about women's psychology and the non verbal warfare that occurs regularly in order to get ahead or to protect oneself. Odd Girl Out would be my recommendation on that. It is not seen as appropriate for a lady to be direct about having issues with someone. Even having issues is not seen as lady-like. Women are taught that it is ideal for them to be pleasant at all times even if there is an issue, which is why so many men don't understand why women behave the way that they do as adults. Sorry. I blame society for most of my gender's behavior.

Enough of my rant on THAT. My point being that the social dynamics changed in a way I didn't find appealing unfortunately. I was lucky enough to have hiked ahead at one point early on in this stretch and had some quality alone time with myself, which I hadn't had in a very long time. It was during this time that I found my love for what I was doing again. I was still pretty sad about leaving Pete and Val in Missoula and was still questioning if I was going to stay on trail or not, but then I rounded a corner after an ascent, and saw a view.

This view was not particularly grandiose or beautiful. It was just another beautiful view. But this one wasn't just another. It was the one that stirred something inside of me that had become depressingly dormant for the last few weeks. I felt so overwhelmed with understanding how connected we all are to each other and to nature that I actually started crying. I just couldn't help myself. The only way to describe it is that it was like the entire universe, all the atoms, were giving me the biggest, most loving hug. I felt completely relaxed and infinitely happy. This must be a taste of what enlightenment is like. And this is why I am out here.

I wanted to enjoy this feeling, relish it, and relish this beautiful place, so I walked on and stopped at a big rock field with huge boulders. I removed my pack and just lay in the sun on the rocks, being okay with being alone.

(Rocks, Grim, solar charger)

Eventually Grim caught up, as he does, and Papi soon after. We all enjoyed basking in this boulder field. Beads and Kramers were nowhere to be found. We began to guess that they had taken a cutoff somewhere that we had missed, so they were probably far ahead by now. I didn't mind.

June 28 Day 63 - June 30 Day 65 - Missoula Warren Alum

The Montana wilderness continued as it does and we found ourselves on some dirt roads booking it to McDonald Pass. Machine Gun, Handstand, Grim, Guy, and me were all going to be getting into Helena together. Grim was ahead, he is fast, and I was behind him, with Guy just behind me. Machine Gun and Handstand were not too far behind all of us. I was worried that Papi would leave to Missoula without me, so I was keen to get to Helena as soon as I could. As we neared McDonald Pass, where we would hitch into Helena, I got a text from Grim exuberantly letting me know that Frodo was there with her RV waiting to pick us all up! Wow! She's amazing!

I was all excited about the near future in so many ways! As I was walking on the main road toward Frodo and Grim, a car pulls up to me and its Papi! He tells me to get in, so I do, and he drives me immediately to Helena where Beads and Kramers are packing up the hotel room they had stayed in the night before. They order me to shower and pack up ASAP so we can all head to Missoula. I let Frodo and Grim know so they wouldn't wait for me and I got myself ready.

By the time I was all set, everyone else was in Helena and we got to say goodbye. It was definitely bittersweet saying goodbye to Guy as we really weren't sure what the next week would bring for us as hiking partners. Would this separation mark the end or would it reaffirm things? Welp! We would find out. I was excited to take some time off trail and stay with family, regardless.

An hour or so later we were in Missoula. Papi dropped me off at Pete and Valerie's house and they quickly invited my hiking friends to stay at the house that night if they wanted to.  The hospitality of these people really blew me away. Everyone said yes and then headed out to an arts and crafts market going on down town. I stayed with Pete and Val and we connected immediately. I could see why my dad got on so well with Pete all these years. Truly down to earth, good people.

They pulled out pictures of family from decades past, as well as old photo albums of my great-great-grandfather who kept records of everything. Just wow! Pete, I discovered, also went to Camp Warren as a kid! WHAT?!?  How cool is that? I even got to see some pictures! Talk about amazing connections!

We spent the evening strolling around the art market, wading in the river and watching the rafting people float, watch Jurassic World, and go out for dinner with their son Paige. I spent the next day updating the blog and watching Orange is the New Black. It's my summer show and I was very excited to see that Pete and Val had Netflix!

The day passed too quickly and ended with Papi picking me up to see Spy with everyone at the movies. Hikers love theaters! We stayed up late that night chatting with Val and Pete, not knowing if we'd have the opportunity to say goodbye in the morning. We were going to be heading out early to return the car in Helena.

On the drive back the next morning my eyes were very wet with tears as we left Missoula. I had loved my time with Pete and Val and it was very difficult for me to leave. I had felt like their daughter, so welcomed and so comfortable. The idea of staying in Missoula crossed my mind more than once, but I found myself sitting in the rental car with the other hikers. My heart broke a little that day and I vowed to keep in touch and visit again.

It turned out that Grim and Guy had ended up zeroing in Helena and had just gotten on trail as we arrived. Actually it was quite the coincidence. Guy got on trail in the late morning and Wonderer was there at McDonald Pass trying to hitch into town. Guy called us to see if we were potentially nearby and we happened to be 5 minutes from McDonald Pass, so we grabbed Wonderer and had the opportunity to say another goodbye to Guy. Grim was planning to leave Helena soon, so we dropped Wonderer off in Grim's hotel room where he took it over for the next night.

After resupplying and getting new shoes, I was SO done with my Merrills (I got Altra Lone Peak 2.0), we met a nice man at the post office who gave us all a ride to the pass. Grim said he'd meet us at the water source, 8 miles down the trail, and so we camped there with Kathleen, who had gotten lost in the Bob for 3 days without maps or her phone, and Ben.

June 25 Day 60 - June 27 Day 62 - The Story of Dana Spring

This is the part where I pull the bad blogger card as well as the serious hiker fatigue card. I stopped taking pictures. Whether it was because my phone's storage was full, I really do need to get a phone with more memory next time around, or I just wasn't seeing the beauty around me, I'm unsure. It was more Montana. A lot of the same. A lot of great views that all start to look like the same great views we just saw.

Anyway, Guy and I left Lincoln later than everyone else. They got on trail in the late morning and Guy and I took our time and hung out with Frodo at the pass.  I was quite down on the day out of town. My mood couldn't seem to stabilize and I definitely felt like I needed some space. Guy was forced to listen to me lament existence for a while and ask him questions about what motivated him to keep hiking on. It was time for some solo hiking. We both came to terms with that idea. We were technically both out here as solo hikers and we had both wanted time alone to hike and experience the wilderness for ourselves. The opportunity came in the form of Papi Chulo.

Papi had plans to rent a car in Helena, our next town stop, and head toward Missoula, where he would meet his friend and go play in the hot springs nearby.  Anybody who wanted to head that way as well was welcome to join. My dad reached out to me to let me know that I had family in Missoula and they were particularly wonderful family members who I should go visit if I could, his best-friend-cousin and his cousin's wife. The timing was spot on, as it often is on trail, and I decided to join Papi, Beads, and Kramers and head to Missoula for a couple of days. Guy and I thought this would be a great opportunity to have solo hiking time too. He would head out from Helena and take the Butte route, the official CDT, which is almost 100 miles longer than the Anaconda Cutoff, an alternate that most hikers take. I would take the Anaconda route in order to catch up to Guy and Guy would do big miles on the Butte and we'd meet in Darby. Lots of places you've never heard of, doesn't matter, it's a good plan.

Great. And so the stretch from Lincoln to Helena was rather uneventful aside from my lack of spirit and constant attempts at not bringing Guy down as I questioned the meaning of life. As we do sometimes. It was also toeing 90-100 Degrees outside almost every day. That may have instilled a deeper feeling of mortality and nihilism to my hike.

We had longer water carries than usual, like 10 miles up mountains, which wouldn't be terrible in theory but was because of the heat. On a particularly hot day near the end of this stretch we were looking forward to Dana Spring, the water source at the end of this particularly elevation-y 10 mile stretch. I had finally gotten to a point of irritation with clothing at this point that I took scissors to dress and cut about an inch and a half off the bottom of my hiking dress to use as a wrap around shirt/bra with my swimming suit style underwear. I couldn't wear more than that with this heat. Luckily my skin doesn't burn easily, but I did apply sunscreen just in case, especially to the paler parts of my now exposed body.

We both ran out of water by the time we got to the top of the climb and it was still another few miles downhill to Dana Spring. It would be an extraordinary understatement to say that we were parched by the time we saw the spring in the distance. Mouth gummy, head floating, body moving a bit more sluggishly than usual, but there was the spring, .5 miles ahead! A wooden fence surrounded the spring itself to keep the cows out, and the metal pipe was just down the hill allowing the fresh water to pour into a trough.

We quickly filled up our water straight from the pipe, no filtering, and drank a liter immediately. Then we proceeded to dump cold water on ourselves and dance around in joy at the prospect of being hydrated once again. It was a great time for lunch and maybe a nap in the shade, so we made our way to a copse of trees nearby with our full water bottles. There were chatted, ate, and dozed, covered from head to toe to keep the biting bugs away. We were in full horsefly and mosquito season now.

As I adjusted my position at one point, I opened my eyes and saw a hiker passing by, away from the trees, closer to the spring,  Chrome Dome sun umbrella up.  Could it be? It looked like Grim! I called out, startling Guy from his sleep, and sure enough, Grim turned and smiled and came our way! We were wondering when he was going to catch us! He had been sitting at the spring for an hour and a half without us seeing him in our tree shelter! We almost missed him! He told us his story about meeting some other hikers, Handstand and Machine Gun, who he's been hiking with, which slowed his pace down from our projected Grim catch up path. He also asked us if we saw the squirrels in the spring.

Excuse me? Squirrels in the spring!? Questions we communicated with silence and seriously significant looks to each other.
"Yah, there's like 7 of them dead in there. Did you not see the post on Facebook about it?"
"Nope...."
"You did filter the water before you drank it right?"
"No................" Uh oh!
"They looked very healthy." Grim assured us.
"Healthy looking dead squirrels?" Guy asked with a defeated laugh. The poor guy is vegan too.

After a bit of back and forth about who would get sick first, or at all, me or Guy, Grim concluded (he's a nurse) that Guy would be the more likely one to get sick because he had taken antibiotics more recently than me and he was vegan so his gut bacteria would be less ready to deal with rotting animals. Score?

This worry remained in the back of our minds for the next few days, waiting for an inevitable bout of severe diarrhea that never came. Thankfully. Those squirrels were eventually removed by the caretakers of the spring and future hikers were much less queasy about drinking the water, filtered or unfiltered.