July 18-23 Day 83-88 Rain, Warren, and Lima, MT

(Me, Grim, Apache, Guy, Mehap)

The weather has been more temperamental recently with plummeting temperatures in the evenings and the regular threat of afternoon thunderstorms. 

(Guy, Apache, Mehap, Grim)

Our path takes us up and down on ridge lines all day. Legs exhausted, asthma wearing me down, rain, and cold. The motivation to push and do big miles is at a minimum. 

(Grim and Guy)

We are all happy to do whatever we end up doing, enjoy each other's company, get into camp before the rain, make a fire, and tell jokes over dinner. It is, overall, a very happy time.

 This leg is full of getting to know each other more deeply and creating new dynamics in the group.

(Up and down up and down)

I've been enjoying the luxury of my sleeping bag liner. It's a Sea to Summit 25+ synthetic liner and it adds so much comfort in the form of added warmth and snuggle-ability! Having something soft on your skin makes those nights on trail that much more enjoyable and comfortable. A big thank you to Grim for making the recommendation!

(Grim, Apache, Mehap)

I've been hiking with Grim, Mehap, and Apache a lot, with Guy and Wonderer hiking on and off together. It's been good. 

I've been continuing to push myself on the uphills and keep pace. I can feel myself getting stronger and faster. I am becoming a walking machine!

(Wonderer looking stealthy at a beautiful lake we stopped at early to swim, fish, and make camp)

The transition from Nom and Guy as hiking partners to the bigger group has had its ups and downs as is normal in any group situation. Overall it is great though and any kinks in the system generally get worked out somehow, though often I don't understand how. Being the only woman in this group is interesting. Men communicate differently and they solve social problems differently. I have to admit, it was intriguing and a great learning experience!

This was the point on trail when I started to think about working at Warren. Why wasn't I there now? Why wasn't I directly impacting people's lives there rather than doing this? Was I being selfish? Was I enjoying this as much as I expected? It wasn't so much that I was questioning if I should be out hiking so much as I was questioning why I wasn't working at Warren instead. I kept these thoughts to myself until we caught up with Whistle again.

(Strawberries!!!!)

She managed to let herself be convinced to hang out with us a little longer and drive her car to the road near Lima, where we would be theoretically getting a ride into town.

Double Rainbows find themselves living near Lima, MT. It is the gathering place for them. Almost everyday double rainbows appear in the sky as yet another thunderstorm passes, moving away from us. We feel as though we've found the end of the rainbow, and the treasure there is more rainbows to look at with an epic backdrop. I'll take that over a pot of gold. The cacophony of cows mooing and yelling at each other and at us reminds us that we are not THAT far removed from society.

This relatively short section finds us on a meandering dirt road walk, taking us through fields where people and cows spend their time relaxing. We were not sure if Whistle was going to hike with us or just wait for us in Lima until, there she was waiting with Oreos, Doritos, and drinks by her car!

 It was just pouring rain on us as a storm passed through when we saw her! We only had a few more miles to go before we hit the main road where we decided to camp for the night, and Nero into Lima the next day.

(Wonderer, Guy, Apache, and Mehap getting knighted)

Whistle and I decided to just sleep in her car and chat about expectations, experiences, this summer, and plans after trail. That was when I opened up about my heartache for Camp Warren. How I missed the community and the love, singing songs, running around, and playing with kids all day. What if I called Dave and asked to work at Warren this summer? Would it work out? Would I regret getting off trail?

Out of coincidence, Whistle would be driving through Chicago on her way back home to Michigan in  few days. This gave me the opportunity to catch a ride with her and take the train to Minneapolis. It would be so easy! The temptation! I had to think about this. It would define my summer and my whole hiking experience.

I'll give it our day in Lima, then I'll make my decision.

July 9 Day 74 A Big Decision in Darby

So I wanted to address my partnership with Guy on a Buffalo here. As I've mentioned, I have not done a thru-hike before, and have really never hiked much distance alone. My other trips were in groups. And so, my personal hiking preferences were unknown to me. With Guy, we hiked together, as in right in front of or behind each other, we waited for each other during bathroom breaks, we ate at the same times, had designated in-camp duties (mine was mostly cooking dinner), and coordinated many of our things. He is young, only 21, and he is a natural care-taker, always wanting to make sure I was well taken care of and didn't die. While this seemed like a good idea it became crippling. I was not learning how to set up my much anticipated tarp because he always set up the tarps, I was getting lazy about navigation, overly cautious about pushing myself, feeling a bit tied down really. And, as you can imagine, if you spend that much time with someone and don't even hike alone during the day, then you have NO private time to spend in your own head or on your own schedule.

(Me on top of a mountain! Thanks Kramer's for patiently waiting to take this!)

All of this was made clear after we went separate ways. I did hike a fair amount with Grim in this group, but it was in the way people usually hike together who are not married or a couple, sometimes one is ahead or behind, usually by no more than a half mile. Nobody waited for anyone when someone had to go to the bathroom. No one set up anyone else's tarp. No one worried if someone didn't show up at the planned camp spot at the end of the day. Everyone expected you to know and respect your own limits. If you needed help, everyone expected you to ask. It felt really good. It may sound a bit harsh perhaps, but it was so liberating, and it taught me more about how well I can take care of myself than if I had not separated from Guy. It also really allowed me to excel by pushing myself and going further with less. I didn't want to go back.

(Mehap eating his beard)

Another factor was the social comfort for me. Being with this group allowed for a different kind of conversation to blossom. I am 27. Most of the others were 27-35. Guy is 21. I had realized that certain conversations could not be had in depth simply due to age and experience differences between Guy and me. It had been so nice to be surrounded by people I related to in a deeper way. I felt, and feared, that if I remained hiking partners with Guy, it would re-isolate me from these kinds of conversations and connections. Something completely in my power of course, but an anxiety I felt.

And so I had made my decision. I was both excited for Guy to catch up and dreading it. I didn't know how he felt about the whole thing, but saying "I don't want to be your hiking partner anymore," no matter how nicely you put it, can still suck to hear. The dynamic would be completely different, I knew, and it would not be a comfortable transition for him.

(Apache)

On the morning of the 9th, at the trail head we had all camped at, and while we were still packing up our shelter, we hear Guy yell out to us in greeting, shortly followed by him strutting toward us with the biggest, goofy-from-exhaustion, smile on his face. He had apparently camped not 50 feet away from us by the pit toilets at the trail head! He had done something like 40 miles overnight trying to catch us. and giving up when he reached the trail head. He had no idea how close he was! We all celebrated and laughed and walked the last bit together into Darby where we split up. Kramers, Beads, and Papi went to a hot spring and town nearby where they stayed the night. Grim, Mehap, Apache, Whistle, and I rented an amazing multi-bedroom cabin with a kitchen and proceeded to cook and get to know Whistle.

(Grim, me, Whistle)

Whistle is Grim's friend from the Appalachian Trail, and she is awesome. Immediate liking to this woman. One of those strong independent quirky types. I felt like I was with a Warrenite. We actually knew a fair amount of similar Camp songs because she too had worked at a summer camp.

(Grim)

We had reached the halfway point (about) for trail and that meant it was time for the Half Gallon Challenge! Yup, you gotta eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting. Mehap was the ONLY ONE who succeeded. And really the only one who attempted! Well done Meeps!

July 5- July 8 Day 70-73 Becoming a Stronger Hiker

We refused an offer to take a historical tour of Anaconda in order to get on trail. We felt ready now, to make miles, and rock the CDT. At least I felt that way. Between my little epiphany on the mountaintop and the admittance of our feelings about hiking, I was ready again. I was resetting my hike, and making more of what I wanted it to be. I was going to be the creator of my own experience. This being my first thru-hike, I didn't now what to expect and I certainly didn't know how I hiked. What style was MY style? What had I been doing because I had been hiking with Guy for so long vs what I would have done without that influence? What would I need to make this authentic to me? I wanted to push. I wanted to make my body a better version of what it was. I wanted that challenge that I love in the weight room at the gym. I wanted to PUSH!

And so that first day out of Anaconda, I kept up with Apache and Grim, the 2 fastest in the group, for the first time. For 18 miles after noon. I was proud. Now could I sustain this? I was in much better shape and my feet were well conditioned compared to the very start of trail when I was trying to keep up with the guys I was hiking with. I was so soft and not ready physically for the challenge of doing 20-30 mile days back to back. But I felt great now! I wanted this challenge now, by choice.

The day was threatening to storm, but we somehow missed all the thunderclouds.

On the 6th we did 24 miles with 3-4 mountain passes. It was quite a day. I felt powerful and appreciative, something I hadn't felt in a while, and it was great! The views were no longer repetitions of other great views, now they were beautiful again. The world had regained its glow. We had reconnected with the CDT by now after the Anaconda Cutoff. It's always a relief when you get back on the trail officially. Something about it is comforting.

At the top of a pass we found Warren Lake, our destination for the day. A very buggy place, but a beautiful lake that was a great temperature. Apache, Grim, Mehap, and I got there and set up a nice camp fire and found sweet tent spots. As a respite from the bugs Grim and I took a dip and cleaned off the days sweat. Beads, Kramers, and Papi arrived a bit later, having eaten dinner on trail. I am not personally a fan of eating dinner before getting into camp, but some people prefer it that way. It does give you a nice boost of energy for the last stretch. I'd rather get to camp earlier and enjoy a leisurely dinner completely relaxed, and I know I can happily eat my dinner in the dark in my tent or in the rain in my tent, but making the effort to cook and eat before dark and then potentially hiking in the dark and setting up my tent in the dark and/or rain...it's just not my style.

The bugs though! Man were the mosquitoes out in full force!

On the 7th we did 26 miles of upupup DOWN upupup DOWN hail and rain upupup DOWN drizzle drizzle up down repeat over and over again. Today I PUSHED. I was tired. My muscles were very ready for rest. I was trying to really press on the uphills to improve my aerobic mountain climbing skills. I've noticed that my old exercise induced asthma, which I haven't had encounters with in maybe a decade, reared its head in the cold dry air of mountain ascents. I could rock the downhills and straight aways, but those uphills put me in a state of slowness and gasping I wasn't pleased with. And so the pushing. The training. The getting better.

(Apache fishing)

When we arrived to the water source, there was no water. Great. Peachy. I was a tad too tired to care. Mehap and Apache were behind us somewhere as they had decided to go fishing in a lake we had had lunch at. They got ultra light fishing rods in Anaconda, and Beads, Kramers, and Papi were maybe behind them? Anyway, Grim and I were in a burn area with no water, and no water for at least 10 more miles or something. Grim was awesome and took a stroll down into the valley where this spring should have been and, thank goodness, eventually found it further down and away from the trail. We filled up and I didn't even care to cook. I just ate a cold dinner, tuna salad with avocado and tortilla. When I was alone, guarding the packs from animals, Elk or deer or something stormed through the area twice, scaring me so badly! Good thing it was just hooved animals....that weren't moose.

Eventually some of the others showed up and others did not. We slept in the burn, surrounded by bare trees and charred ground.

On the 8th we had pretty flat ground but a fair amount of blow-downs, trees strewn hither and thither on the trail, making it more treacherous for us short people. We did a very quick 24 miles today getting to the trail head we were aiming for to put put us 5 miles or so out from Darby, our next town stop tomorrow. It was pretty chill, made a fire, hung out, had some fun flying paper airplanes that we made out of our used Ley maps over the fire. I was surprised a bit that Guy had not caught up to us by this point. I wondered how far away he was and if I was willing to wait in Darby for him if everyone else headed out before he got there. I'd grown attached to this group and I was enjoying the freedom of not having a hiking partner. I'll explain more about that in the next post. This one has gotten long enough!

July 4 Day 69 Independence Day in Anaconda

I have to go back a bit, to getting into Anaconda, yesterday, which we did, via a terrible and long, hot, paved highway walk. ERG! I was trying to make phone calls to make the time pass, and NOBODY answered their phones!  What were you all doing at that time!? Painful really. We finally got to town and headed straight for the gas station/casino. I fed myself the most delicious gas station hot dog EVER! Papi took advantage of the casinos "free beer if you gamble" policy. We really just wanted cold things and a/c. Once we were recovered enough, we headed into town and caught up to the others at the hotel as well as Apache and Mehap who had been taking some time off with Mehap's family. Showers, and all that jazz. Dinner at my favorite trail restaurant so far, The Baron! Oh my goodness it was amazing!

(Mehap and Grim being themselves)

And so, on the 4th, everyone was excited about the parade. I'm not much for parades, or big crowds, so I decided to stay in and take care of some things.  For example, my NeoAir Thermarest had found itself with a leak the last week or so. I would wake up at night with parts of my body on the ground as opposed to NOT on the ground. I was lazy about it for a while, continuously blowing it up again throughout the night, but I'd finally had enough of my laziness. Fixed that problem, hooray!

(Papi in the back, Grim, Apache)

By 11am, I had gotten a message saying that everyone had misunderstood, and the parade was later in the day, but they were all at a bar and locals kept buying everyone drinks. So, having done a fair amount of journal catch-up and personal hygiene maintenance, I decided to venture out and join them. We had an awesome time, and it turned out the parade was passing right in front of the bar everyone was at, so we sat somewhere out of the way and watched the people of Anaconda celebrate.

 And then we all decided it was nap time.

(From left to right: Kramer's, Papi sitting up, Mehap in the blue, Apache, Beads underneath me)

The evening celebration was definitely the highlight. I have spent MANY a 4th of July at Warren, watching the little fireworks on the Athletic field, singing songs, wishing we could have those giant fireworks. Otherwise I've been abroad or way too close to the fireworks to really enjoy them. 

This, though, was really majestic. The managers of the hotel we were staying at invited us up in the back of their pick-up truck to watch from the best viewing spot in town, the cemetery. We all sat together and quietly enjoyed each other's company, the company of our amazing hosts, and the company of the giant fireworks in the distance, lighting up the mountainside.

Back in the hotel room, in the evening, after such a great few days together, we talked about hiker fatigue. The topic that none of us had wanted to broach, as it felt taboo to talk about how you didn't want to be out here in this beautiful place doing something people dream about, was finally out in the open. What a relief it was to talk about. It turned out just about everyone in our little group felt the same way. We were all exhausted. Whether it was just the heat, Montana, the flip, or something else, we didn't know. We all just knew that everyone was going through it. The CDT 2015 Facebook page was riddled with people dropping out or talking about leaving for no other reason than fatigue. It was like a mental virus or something.

Knowing that we were all feeling the same way helped us all to get back on trail the next day and keep walking.

July 2-3 Day 67-68 Papi and Nom

Grim made efforts to catch Kramers and Beads and left Papi and me behind. We would all be seeing each other in Anaconda for the 4th of July so it was not goodbye. I had connected very well with Papi very quickly. Bearclaw, back in Ghost Ranch, New Mexico, had mentioned Papi and how awesome and insightful he is, so he was already someone that I had wanted to get to know better. This ended up being one of the most enjoyable few days on trail. At this point my body is in trail shape, I have my trail legs (when your legs are so strong they feel like they can go forever), and I had just been reborn or something emotionally. Papi was the right person to be with.

He has a great story. Having worked in a very high powered desk-job in Seattle for a while, I think 10 years, and having lived a life of luxury and materialism, he got fired. He was out of the rat race by force, and it was the best thing that could have happened to him. In his 50's and not in any kind of debt or financial strain he decided to figure out who he was and who he wanted to be. One of the conversations I appreciated most was when he talked about focusing on the 7 deadly sins and removing them from his life one by one. Working on becoming his most authentic self, unabashedly pursuing true happiness on a deep, non-ego-driven, level, he found himself hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. And on the PCT, he found himself. Or at least a part of himself that he loved. And so, without initially intending to, he finished the whole thing.

(One more way to get over a barbed wire fence)

This summer, he is here, with me, right now, on the CDT. The things I can learn from him, and him from me! So many stories to share, books to talk about, and ideals to discuss! We just clicked and enjoyed a leisurely pace for those couple of days. I have had the privilege of realizing early on that I do not want the kind of life most Americans strive for, and so I do not have too may old habits that I need to break regarding that lifestyle.

This section of Montana was quite smooth, though the bugs were definitely out in force. We drank hot tea int he mornings and hiked a chill pace during the day, occasionally looking for strawberries, which were coming into season. Because we were taking the Anaconda cutoff, there wasn't any information about water sources on our GPS App, Guthook. This was generally not a big deal, but, on the final stretch into Anaconda, we found ourselves dry. It was still hot, this heatwave was not relenting, and we were now at lower elevations so the heat was even hotter than what we had been working with.

(Drying tarps out from condensation in the morning)

We ended up on a dirt road realizing that we might not have water until we got to Anaconda, in 30 miles. We could get off trail, and get water from the Animas river, which was 10-15 miles away, or we could try to stop a car if any passed by. I was really thirsty. My mouth was gummy. My body was covered in so much salt from sweating that you could actually feel the salt crystals all over my skin. We knew there might be a stream that hopefully wasn't dried up, near the road and we kept trying to listen for the sound of running water down below.

(The bugs!)

And then Papi heard it! Running water! One of the best sounds EVER! We made our way down the steep slope to the stream in the reeds and immediately filtered and drank the cold water. Such a good feeling. I half bathed, splashing water on my arms, legs, and head, and Papi took a proper bath as I waited by the side of the road above. We were going to carry extra water this time. No more going thirsty. Of course we ended up having flowing water nearby for the rest of the day.

July 1 Days 66 Finding my Fire

This began the time of exceptionally social hiking. While before it had just been Guy on a Buffalo and I with a short bout with others, now it was Grim, Kramers, Beads, Papi Chulo, and me in a more substantial way. Well, as substantial as hiking together on a thru-hike goes. The dynamics around me were changing and it felt weird. It was pleasant to have new people and more conversations that lit me up, but it was unpleasant in realizing that normal human social dynamics still applied.

(Grim, Kramer's, Beads, Papi Chulo)

In an environment dominated by men, it is tricky when you, as a woman, encounter another woman on trail. In theory, or ideally, it would be fireworks and giggles, but it can also go into the catty, negative place. Women are socially trained to be passive aggressive. You can read great books about women's psychology and the non verbal warfare that occurs regularly in order to get ahead or to protect oneself. Odd Girl Out would be my recommendation on that. It is not seen as appropriate for a lady to be direct about having issues with someone. Even having issues is not seen as lady-like. Women are taught that it is ideal for them to be pleasant at all times even if there is an issue, which is why so many men don't understand why women behave the way that they do as adults. Sorry. I blame society for most of my gender's behavior.

Enough of my rant on THAT. My point being that the social dynamics changed in a way I didn't find appealing unfortunately. I was lucky enough to have hiked ahead at one point early on in this stretch and had some quality alone time with myself, which I hadn't had in a very long time. It was during this time that I found my love for what I was doing again. I was still pretty sad about leaving Pete and Val in Missoula and was still questioning if I was going to stay on trail or not, but then I rounded a corner after an ascent, and saw a view.

This view was not particularly grandiose or beautiful. It was just another beautiful view. But this one wasn't just another. It was the one that stirred something inside of me that had become depressingly dormant for the last few weeks. I felt so overwhelmed with understanding how connected we all are to each other and to nature that I actually started crying. I just couldn't help myself. The only way to describe it is that it was like the entire universe, all the atoms, were giving me the biggest, most loving hug. I felt completely relaxed and infinitely happy. This must be a taste of what enlightenment is like. And this is why I am out here.

I wanted to enjoy this feeling, relish it, and relish this beautiful place, so I walked on and stopped at a big rock field with huge boulders. I removed my pack and just lay in the sun on the rocks, being okay with being alone.

(Rocks, Grim, solar charger)

Eventually Grim caught up, as he does, and Papi soon after. We all enjoyed basking in this boulder field. Beads and Kramers were nowhere to be found. We began to guess that they had taken a cutoff somewhere that we had missed, so they were probably far ahead by now. I didn't mind.